Good news for all you baby-faced men out there!

Do you remember running to your bathroom mirror at the hormonal age of 12 to see if you had yet grown those few miraculous scraggles of hair? Unfortunately, some men three times that age continue this sad ritual. But not anymore!

Thanks to a new practice that is becoming overwhelmingly popular, beards can now be grown, shaved, scratched, and pulled. For the small price of $10,000, you can now enjoy the manliness of a full-grown beard, fu manchu, mutton chops, garibaldi, or all-out Chewbacca. Who needs to pay off those student loans when you can now prove you’re a real man?

Totally worth it.

Before the advancement of new technologies, hair transplants used to make the patient’s head look strikingly similar to the effect of ripping a piece of duct tape off of Barbie’s head. Now, thanks to the high demand of smooth chinned men, transplants now involve taking individual hair follicles from the patient’s head, and implanting them into the patient’s face, resulting in more natural-looking beards and keeping your head full of hair.

It may sound disgusting, but the results are winning.

So how many guys are really doing this? Take it from Dr. Epstein, a hair restoration surgeon. He used to perform four or five facial hair transparent annually a decade ago. Now, he says, the average is three a week. Dr. Marc Dauer, another hair doctor, says that his annual average for turning boys into men was 5 per year. Today, he does that many in a month. 

Still feeling doubtful?

Take it from Ray, a 53-year-old beardless man who has lived a life of vehement jealousy toward his hairy colleagues, seemed determined to get on board with this upcoming trend.

After a couple transplants and $22,000 later, Ray says “I don’t really even care that much if people know that I’ve had the transplants. I just don’t want them to know how much I’ve spent on it, because then they’ll think I’m crazy.” That’s okay Ray. Who needs a new car? Or groceries? Or everything else you could’ve spent $22,000 on?

So heads up to all the adult men out there who can still get away without paying for those 12 and under movie tickets, go see a hair transplant surgeon to become a real man today!

Once you get the procedure done, you can finally attend the Boulder Beard Competition, sponsored by the Boulder Facial Hair Club. 

We'll be there with our sweet beards.