Hooking up: It’s in the stars … and the first few drinks. And first few times they use the riding crop on you.

Hooking up: It’s in the stars … and the first few drinks.

You’re weirdly particular when it comes to sex, which is probably why you can’t find anyone that meets your exactly 7-minute sex-duration requirements … “Time’s up!” This month, look for your own kind when it comes to fuck buddies. The stars have a very comforting, home-y influence, so anyone that wants to fuck for 7 minutes and 12 seconds is gonna seem rancid.

Did you just go through like 13 breakups? Because for some reason, your ego energies have the zeal of roadkill. You’re feeling defeated … but there’s a silver lining to that: fucking below your league! See if you can learn something from people you’re not traditionally attracted to. You’ll learn new things about yourself and build up your confidence in the process. Walmart is a start … bring on the uglies!

Sometimes you wake up with lube caked around your mouth and multiple pairs of balls covering your eyes and you wonder, “Is this my life?” Well, Libra, it is until the end of this month. Expect no letup in your slut antics until April 24th when Venus squares Chiron and you’re struck by a sudden and urgent need to pull out from the sex game … likely because your partner didn’t quite feel the same about pulling out. Congratulations: it’s twins!

Duality is in your inner nature, so don’t feel surprised if you feel like you’re living two lives this month. In one iteration, you’re arguing about whether to eat sushi or Thai with your long-term boo. In another, Thai people are eating sushi off your naked body and you’re banging them all. This may seem contradictory, but realize that you’ll always want the other situation once you get caught up in one. Life sucks, then you die.

The zodiac has blessed you with an unusually high degree of confidence and sexual adoration from others this month. Your energy is magnetic to others, but don’t get all up in your own ass about it. If you use this influence to stroke your ego, everything will fall apart in the coming months and you’ll look like a bigger dick than you already are. Instead, use this time as an opportunity to make other people feel the same way about themselves, bitch.

The current position of your ruling planet, Jupiter, implies that this month will be highly friend-focused. You’re super popular right now, but don’t overlook the fact that, in the hordes of friends tailing you around like brainwashed minions, there could be someone who knows how to play you anatomy like a 12-year-old Chinese cellist prodigy. Keep your friends close and only partially clothed.

Whatever effort you’ve made to move on from past heartbreaks will be crushed into a million little pointy pieces this month when an ex love crawls through the TV like in “The Ring” and back into your life. You’ll be temporarily dazed — because their touch will be familiar and they have a car — but there’s a reason why this person was absent from your life. The stars are asking that you remember that, painfully, and hopefully while self-flagellating.

When it comes to love and sex, you have a tendency to settle. Although you’re not necessarily a complacent person, you see the good in people who are actually kind of shitty. If you can recognize that quality within yourself this month, the stars are more than willing to help you find someone that’s as great as you think they are. But don’t blame us if that person is two-time NBA champion center Shaquille O’Neal. He’s single — and you guys would love each other.

When you fight, it’s explosive. You don’t back down from an argument, and you’re unlikely to compromise. You especially like to make scorned lovers and exes feel like a bloody pile of shit, but that doesn’t make you a strong person — that just makes you an asshole. This month, instead of using your mouth for harm, put it to good use and use it for oral. You need to stop talking anyway.

If you were experiencing any confusion about your current relationship and where it’s going, April will be the month where that all gets sorted out right in front of your face. This month, the stars signal conflict, so anything that needs to get out in the open will get out there, and this could potentially leave you more single than you were at the Boulder High 2004 Spring Prom. That’s not a bad thing because anyone that exits your life at this time probably has a tiny dick or yam titties anyway.

You’re so relationship-y that you’ve probably had 0.0023 one-night-stands in your life, and we’ll bet it was probably awkward as fuck. But don’t overlook the extreme utility of meaningless sex — it can teach you a lot about yourself and help you get over your fear of strangers. We’re not saying get gangbanged at a pool hall or anything … just that in order to have a more relaxed attitude about relationships, you need to know what matters and what doesn’t. A pool table, not hall, is fine.

Please, for the love of god, try BDSM this month. All year, you’ve been stressed out and worked up over your job and your relationships, and you need a release. Getting spanked or tying someone up may just be the medicine you need to de-stress. Luck is on your side this month too with Jupiter being in your sixth house, so it’s likely than any efforts you have to ball-gag a housewife or hot dad will pay off swimmingly.