Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Venus is all up in your fifth house this month, blurring your romantic inclinations entirely in favor of money, your career, or any other earthly possession you cherish. Be careful to remember that possessions and the faux-status they bring are shallow. Anuses, however, are deep. Forgiving too, with the right water-based lube. Get your head out of your ass and replace it with something cylindrical.


There is absolutely nothing spectacular happening for you this month. All your planets are squared away, tucked in, and straight relaxing before they unleash upon you later in the year. What does this mean for you weekend? Take some accountability for yourself. There's not always a planet ruining your life—sometimes it's not them, it's you. What do you want to change about yourself? Let's start with your underwear.


You're dating around right now; playing the field, as you should, but you're only doing it because that's what everyone is doing. If it were up to you, you'd monogamy right up, but your sex Rolodex is much more into getting down. Because of this, you might find yourself attracted to someone in a relationship. Their situation will feel new and fresh to you; just don’t wreck any homes with your domestic fantasies.


This month when your partner reveals they're interested in seeing other people, you could take it as a blow to your ego. You could get mad or sad. You could pee in their shampoo. Or, you could jump for bloody joy, because you just got a hall pass to have a conversation about non-monogamy. You could be fucking 78 people at once, and still have your primary sex-human by your side. Pluto approves.


Congratulations, Taurus! Is it a boy or a girl? If you don't know what we're talking about just yet, check out Venus in your third house, aka the realm of children and education. This could mean you and your partner will bond romantically over a shared love of these things, but more realistically, it probably means you should double-triple check your birth control, spring for some farm-fresh condoms, and avoid naming it “Dante.”


This month, don’t be surprised if you start to develop some thoroughly confusing feelings for a coworker. After all, you’re very domestic so anytime you start to spend a lot of time around someone, your “2.5 kids and a picket fence” fantasy revs right up. Just remember that if you act on this crush, you’ll still have to see them at work every day if things don’t work out. Might be best to repress it for 50 years until it gives you a stroke.


Your appreciation for the male form skyrockets this month when ultra-masculine Mars squares Neptune. Regardless of your sexuality, prepare to find yourself admiring exquisite dad bods, lusting after testosterone-rich beard bushes and Googling “a nice penis.” And like many young male specimens, you're liable to experience the blood-boiling feeling of pubescent horniness too. Fuck a pie or two, ogle nude dudes, and relax, you'll soon return to a less werewolverine incantation of yourself.


Are you missing someone right now? Pretty much all of your planets are oriented in a past-looking direction, which means that regardless of who you're currently fisting, you're probably longing for the now-cold embrace of an old flame. There's probably a really good reason this person isn't in your life, so don't make an effort to contact them. Do, however, fantasize about them wildly while pooping.


You love a good argument, practical, intellectual or otherwise, and if you have a partner, chances are they feel the same. You like a mental challenge. This month though, Uranus encourages you to let some of that cerebral passion spill over into the fuck-dojo. Ever heard anger-sex? You're the perfect person for it. Being the massive pulsating brain you are, you’re more than likely to get a rush from working out your argument physically.


Do you ever feel like your relationship is a performance for other people? Well it is, partially. If you like this aspect of dating, play up that aspect of it with a little public indecency—some lighthearted semi-visible dick or clit rubbing never hurt anyone (unless they got caught). If you don't like being a spectacle, go away with your person on a private sex retreat and see if you really like each other, or people just like you together.


You have a ton of air in your sign this month, Scorpio. You feel a need to make noise come out of your mouth at all times of the day, something which could easily wear out whoever has the pleasure of your company. Fortunately for you though, this makes you extremely good at talking dirty. Instead of regaling your Christian Mingle date with tales of your youth, tell them what you're going to do to them tonight in gory detail and experience what winning feels like.


If you've started to notice odd things around your house—A DVD of Point Break, a dog keychain—it's probably from your dick or pussy. You haven't had sex in so long, curios have begun to collect in your genital no-fly zone, and right now, it's operating more like an estate sale than a reproductive item. You know what this means: it's time to call your ex, get fucked correctly, and get back in that sex saddle. No more wallowing.