Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


(Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Be careful that your lover or network of sexual peons aren’t holding you back from achieving the goals you want to in life. Too often, we let our love for others interfere with our ambition, and never is that more true than when you’ve been tied to a bed by some devious nymphos and left for dead for days. Don’t play with ropes this month, is what that means. You ain’t no Houdini.


(Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) – This month, expect to reconnect with old flames who left you hanging at one time or another. Now, we’re not saying that this influence means you’ll reconnect your genitals, although it might if they can get past the fact that, during this reconnection phase, you’ve covered their car in bologna and left it in the hot sun, and then, like, it strips the paint off and like smells and everything gets ruined and hahahaha REVENGE.


(Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) – You’re really loving the single life right now which is just so cute because you’re a puerile fuck who’s not emotionally prepared for the strains of an adult relationship. Cute! You know what else is so cute? That dress! Also, that lemur eating a snowcone. Also, bacteria because they’re so small. What the stars are trying to tell you is keep things superficial right now because that’s cuter than the gory bloodbath that would be your relationship fallout.


(April 20 – May 20) – Hey, sup, we’re all going to die. What do you want to do before you do? This month, make a sexual to-do list. Jupiter’s strong effect on your sun sign means you’re willing to work diligently toward any goals, regardless of their scope. Although, we’re not sure whether it’s possible to literally fuck the Ghost of Christmas Past … but, hey, it’s worth a shot, big guy.


(May 21 – June 20) – This month, Chrion squares Venus and shit gets awkward real fast. Although you’re normally a smooth talker and don’t know how to shut the fuck up, you’ll be at a loss of words when it comes to love. Good thing you don’t need words to relentlessly bang the object of your desire; just some primal grunting, rainforest-y cawing, and intense, all-knowing eye contact should do it. Great job!


(June 21 – July 22) – Your incredibly sound sense of ethics will be challenged this month when you have the option to go on a sex quest with a person who’s involved in another relationship. You know it’s wrong … but it’s also wrong to deprive yourself of dat ass. You’ll have to figure out whether it feels better to explosively orgasm or to avoid that all together and look to your sex robot for fulfillment. Oh what, you think we didn’t know?


(July 23 – Aug. 22) – You’re so good at setting boundaries and making decisions that this month, you might just responsibly plan yourself right out of a situation that could have been the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Don’t let your responsible nature cloud your desires because it makes you clench your butthole really tight and you might get a hernia.


(Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – This month, you’re apt to become increasingly concerned with your outward appearance as Mercury brings a sense of vanity to your life. As such, you might come across some potential fuck-cushions in places like gyms, make-up stores or liposuction clinics. Just be careful that the connections you form with these people transcend superficiality … or something. Look, a squirrel!


(Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) – This August, a large mammal with dilated pupils and a foaming mouth will chomp you right on the jugular. You’ll survive the injury, but you will spend the next millennia hazily wandering the moonlit streets in search of fuckable hoes. These hoes shall receive your seed, spawning a new generation of vampiric sex walkers who prey on mortal flesh. Then, the blood will run cold through the streets of the town, bitch.


Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) – Congratulations, you little fucker: your prolonged period of hermitdom is about to be over. Prepare yourself for a new horizon of partnership — one that involves years upon years of slowly decreasing sex drives, senseless fights and the eventual catatonia of a relationship poorly executed. That, or you stay single, you mingle, and your tingle your dingle with Pringles and shingles.


(Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – You, young archer, have been blessed celestially with the ability to disregard people’s physical appearances when it comes to deciding who you’ll sleep with. And this month, the phrase “love is blind” will never hold truer for you when you find yourself falling for someone way, way below your league. Well, aren’t you just the charitable fuck-nun of the zodiac? You’re the cause of ugly babies, and that’s alright.


(Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Do you ever just like, look down between your legs and think, “What the fuck is that?” That little flopper, my darling, is a portal to the year 1738. All it takes to activate the wormhole is a connection between it and a wet, warm mouth. But it doesn’t work if you use teeth. And you have to be listening to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler. Sorry to get all scientific on you.