Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Although you’re a hard worker with a tough-ass exterior, deep down, all you really want is to be taken care of. Mommied, even. This month, that desire takes on a material sense when you find yourself striking up something powerfully lusty with someone who has a lot of money to wine and dine you and pay for your rhinoplasty. It’s pretty clear that you’re more in love with the fantasy of being babied than you are with the one percenter you scored, but that’s fine — it’lll last about as long as a sneeze.


With Neptune in your eighth house this month, predict the unpredictable when it comes to life in the Bone Zone. Whatever predictable sex routine you’ve developed is toilet-bound for the foreseeable future — new partners could surprise you, and unusual fantasies you’d never have expected to come from your mind will seep out of your mental cavity. During this time, keep an open mind as well as an open-fly … if anything, it’ll be an educational experience.


With so many fire signs inhabiting your natal chart right now, you probably have the best chance of meeting someone halfway decent in the context of physical movement or sports. This could be at a game, at the gym, on a hike, or in any place where the movement of physical energy is taking place. However, there’s no real chance for long-term romance with this influence; whoever you meet is more likely to end up as a friend you share an awkward sex history with. Shrug.


Although you’ve been repeatedly told by the person you’re into that they’re not feeling it (and that they’re seeing other people), you take this information not as a fact, but as a challenge. It’s in your competitive nature to do this, but your little “I’ll fight for youuu” act isn’t quite so cute when the person you’re fighting for genuinely wants you to back off. Check yourself this month and see if you can get more in tune with about when to fight, and when to scram. Beat it, punk-ass.


Even though you have a tendency towards extreme loyalty in long-term relationships, you’re notoriously slut-tastic when you’re casually dating. Expect that quality to intensify when Mercury conjuncts your midheaven this month. Everyone you meet will seem interesting and fuckable to you, which is fine as long as you can temper their expectations and let them know just how many droves of other people you’re seeing. Repeat after us: “Horny, but honest.” Good dog.


Jupiter takes over your house of romance this February, making you very assertive and very lucky in whatever romantic endeavors you choose to undertake. Now is the time to finally go after your crush, add a new side chick or dick to your roster, or look for someone to indulge that foot thing you like. You’re like a sex lion! Take charge and make moves, because once this influence is over in 3-4 weeks, you’ll return to your regular, insipid self.


This month would probably be the worst month to snoop through your partner’s phone, Cancer. Both Pluto and Mars are in your sixth house in February, aspect which gives you unpredictable difficulties in the realm of love-lust. This doesn’t mean your partner is cheating per se, but it does mean that you’re likely to find something that upsets you in that e-phone. Ignorance is bliss in times like these, so do something more productive with your hands than snoop … like jack off.


You’re in the limelight right now, little buddy. A variety of astrological configurations are conspiring to make you more visible to others. You might wind up on TV or have a social media post blow up, making you the temporary star of the show and giving you confidence. If use this influence correctly, you could really have your pick of the proverbial litter. However, don’t get so caught up in yourself that you’re negating other people’s needs — you’re not the only one that likes a finger up the butt.


You have a lot of water signs in your chart at the moment, something that makes you keenly in tune with your emotion and that of others. For that reason, now would actually be a great time to have sex with a friend you’ve always wanted to fuck — you now have the rare ability to compartmentalize all your feelings in a way you normally can’t, meaning casual sex with a person you still want to know afterwards probably wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.


You’re in full-on relationship mode this month, thanks to the moon sextiling your Venus. You’re very laser-focused on your partner, and might find yourself taken by romantic, Hollywood-esque ideals of love that transport your relationship out of reality and place it firmly in some sort of satin-encrusted fantasy land. This is fun for daydreaming, but be careful to avoid unnecessary disillusionment with the real world once your partner does something like poop in front of you.


You’re back on track after a shitty year of woe-is-me romantic drama and heartbreak. You’re finally feeling yourself and have regained your confidence, and people are noticing. You may want to slut it up a bit, but your sky-high self-improvement ascension is likely to be sidetracked when you meet another perfect mate who wants to love you unconditionally forever, yet also threatens your newfound independence. Do you stay or do you go? Up to you. That song sucks anyway.


Given that you’re so prone to craving stimulation and adventure, you often spend a lot of money to have novel experiences that stoke your libido — traveling, hotels, confusingly expensive dildos … but this month, Uranus trine Earth means your pockets are looking pretty slim. As such, you’ll be forced to find more domestic avenues of excitement. Maybe fuck in front of your window, or invite a third person over to the old homestead? Adventure is just a living room away.