Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


The sun moves out of your first house this month, meaning all of your personality traits that were hyperconcentrated in January will finally, mercifully dilute. Miraculously, you’re no longer the stuck-up, Type-A dick bag you were last month — a change that works wonders for your sex life. Other people find it very attractive that you’re not acting like yourself.


Contradiction can be really hot, and for Aquarii, that means being tied down. You can make that statement as X-rated as you want, but it holds true; there are times, especially this February,  when your whimsical, free-spirited nature needs to be grounded with restriction and discipline. Handcuff yourself to a dildo. Get spanked whenever you’re too airy. Whatever. It’s good for you and you’ll like it.


You’re a fish, and you know what fishes love? Agua. This’ll become especially relevant when, this month, you find yourself in possession of a hot tub. Or, at least a pretty cool bath. The warm water and hours of soaking relaxation will erect your erectile tissues, and you’ll be quite inspired by moistness, slippery things and underwater sex. Highly unsanitary, but the stars respect your individuality.


Your boundless energy and athletic tendencies give you the dual benefits of great circulation and inhuman immunity to the excruciating winter cold. As a result, you’re dressing sluttier than ever this February, which is sure to attract a life form or two. Maintain the mini nuclear reactor that lives inside of you, and you’ll find that you’re a source for much more than body heat this month (semen, too).


This February, Venus is in your seventh house, making your relations with women much more fruitful and fulfilling. Depending on who you are, this might lead to some heavily erotic shit … or it could just mean that you call your mom more than usual. She did just start a new embroidery, and you’ll want to know how that’s going after all. Either way, the more you can tap into your feminine side this month, the more confident and boneable you’ll become.


If you haven’t already, you may find that you’ve fallen in love with a friend. Does this friend know about your feelings? Do you want them to? Since Uranus, the planet of uncertainty, is in your fourth house this month, the stars would urge you to shut the fuck up about it. You have zero astrological encouragement here … say hello to twelve more months of interpersonal misery!


Being that you’re so heavily domestic, it can be hard for you to meet people outside your home that make you horny. But since your moon is square in your third house this month, this will only be intensified. Try having a party in your casa, where you feel comfortable. Being in your element will make it a lot easier to bang strangers since your bed is … you know, right there. You slutty agoraphobe, you.


You’re rather showy and love being the center of attention, something that you really tap into this month when you discover how much public sex turns you on. But, you know what they say: no risk, no reward … so if we don’t see you fucking on the Campbell’s holiday soup display at Safeway by sundown on February 28, don’t even think about showing your face in this exhibitionist sex forum again, you heard?


You’re very private, which leads people to believe that you’re a “thinker” not a “say-er.” Those people are idiots. What’s really going on is that you’re too apathetic to have opinions, so you end up letting other people do the philosophizing. Fuck ‘em. Oh, and by the way, something someone finds in your ass will be worth a lot of money this month.


The current astral configuration stimulates your erotic mind more than usual this month. Suddenly, you’re flooded with sexual creativity, and you might develop a new fantasy or twelve that you can’t stop thinking about. If your partner is willing to go there with you, February will be explosive for you.  If you’re single however, don’t worry … millions of people every year die alone. 


You’re at a turning point this month, and the time has unfortunately come for you to decide whether to salvage the pieces of your relationship or move on. If you stay, you’re going to have to deal with his/her liking the band U2. If you leave, you’ll never have to hear U2 again … that is until you visit a t-shirt store on the boardwalk in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, and hear “1, 2, 3, catorce.” You’ll just break the fuck down.


You did a lot of work on yourself and your relationship last year, and this February, it finally starts to pay off when you and your partner negotiate the terms of the open relationship you always wanted. Only problem is, now that you’re available, no one wants to climb that tree. You’re all like, “Hey, come fuck me now!” and everyone’s like, “I’m doing laundry for the next 27 years!” Oh well, at least you don’t have that much laundry.