Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it's all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

You know how “they” say that “hindsight is 20/20” all the time? The stars are no more aware of who this “they” person is than we are, but that saying is spot on for your sex life in the New Year. Instead of hanging around the same old rag-tag bunch of rapscallions, focus your sex laser beam on someone who hasn’t broken your heart, which, knowing you, is basically like two people.

High and dry doesn’t even begin to describe your current love life right now — but guess what, sucker? The stars are about to make things really high and really wet. Or erect. Or whatever. January’s planetary alignment is going to boost your confidence, making you seem more attractive to everyone but the STD nurse you may or may not need to visit.

The right planets are in the right houses for you to ramp up your domestic life. To most people that would be vomit-inducing, but you, Capricorn-person, are immensely aroused by comfort and routine. Don’t let this domestic streak go to waste; cam-girls and cam-couples can make upwards of $150 an hour, and they set their own schedules! Wow!

With the moon in Mars, your relationship with men will be strengthened in January. Whether you’re gay, straight or a pansexual party nymph, you can benefit from this stellar sausage fest. You may find yourself swimming in potential penises, having a great time with the one you’re with or heating up the friend-zone with your cock-carrying BFF.

You’re so easygoing and sociable that potential fuck cushions may confuse your good nature for friendship rather than an honest attempt to get freaky, jiggy and other adjectives. This month, make your intentions known and let your crush see your earnest determination; it’ll be irresistible in light of your usual apathy. Trust us: ten years later, they’ll be someone you demand child support from.

Have you ever heard of make-up sex? Trick question — of course you have. But this month, it’s time to realize that you can’t have make-up sex if you’re still holding a grudge. For you, January is all about letting go of petty personal minutia and realizing that nothing else matters except that one of you has a condom and the other has an orifice. Get over your shit and get under a human.

Your body’s built for pleasure. So why are you using it for things like sitting and breathing and uncomfortably twitching at da club? There’s a reason why you have an extra appendage or a hole that can fit one. Go out and use your body for what it’s made for. If you don’t get your kicks now, the stars tell us you could be the next Jeffery Dahmer.

Your favorite pastime getting in needless fights with your partner, and that would be hilarious if you were an MMA fighter or a spry and sassy octogenarian, but you’re not. As the youngest sign in the zodiac, you have a tendency towards the immature, so this month, instead of throwing fits and eating paste, act like an adult and see the passive aggressively for years instead.

Broken hearts, man. They’re a bitch. But they also make you inexplicably attractive to other people. This month, don’t get so caught up in your own heartbreak that you can’t recognize when someone is trying to take your heart out to a nice dinner (with wine and stuff), then maybe to a nice romantic comedy, then drive you home and fumble a kiss goodbye like a blazing douche.

Have you ever considered, you know, having your balls tickled by a latex-clad midget while simultanously fingerbanging a retired ex-model whose drab personality contrasts jarringly with her brightly dyed pubic hair? Well, you should. Because astrologically speaking, the next few months are ripe for experimentation. Say yes to everything except donkeys. They’ll only break your heart.

For the last few months, the stars have metaphorically shit on your head with a steamy dump of astrologically-granted insecurity. You’ve been like a little mouse in it’s little mouse house, second-guessing yourself and eating pellets. This has you thinking more about yourself than others. Switch it around, and we promise you’ll notice you’re suddenly having sex we speak. Close this browser window and open one that has porn on it.

This month, someone from your past, whether it’s your ex, ex-ex, or ex-ex-ex, will come back into your life in a major way. Before you let them back into your well-muscled and oiled arms, make sure their intentions are purer than Columbian cocaine. They’re not just fucking you because someone else stole their identity and they’re lost in the world … right? WRONG.