The stars are like your future: completely out of reach and incapable of love.


Oh, balls. Uranus is in your eighth house of health this month, making you feel kind of down in the dumps physically. Because of that, the sex you’ll be having in March won’t be anywhere near as acrobatic as it has been lately — think lots of missionary where you’re on the bottom or side-by-side sex in the morning that requires little effort. Hope you have health insurance, you fucking gimp.


You’ve been waiting for a sign from the universe that you’re on the right path when it comes to love. You’ll likely get it this March when you meet someone new who makes you question current love situation enough it shakes up your routine and demands a decision has to be made. Do you stay the course, or do you make a change? This person could be anyone, even Burt the Comcast guy, so … yeah. You should probably wax in anticipation. Every day. Just saying.


This month, you’ve got your eye on someone who’s taken. Yet, for whatever reason, you don’t see this as a boundary. Fiery Mars in your fourth house gives you an uncharacteristic sense of entitlement, and you’ll try anything to make that person yours. Some people might see this as confidence, while others will see it as dumb-assery. Either way, at the very least, the “I WANT TO FUCK YOU” balloons you sent them will definitely get you noticed, especially by the restrainng order depot.


Your ruling planet, Mars, is in retrograde this month. That means the roles you typically play in sex and love are likely to be reversed. If you’re usually on top, you might find yourself on the bottom. If you’re usually the one who gives head, you’ll suddenly feel like giving it. And if you’re ordinarily the one in the black latex with the penis pump and the leather flogger, you’ll probably … wait, nah, that’s still gonna be you. It's always you.


With so much travel in your chart this month, the stars wouldn’t be surprised if you started collecting hoes in different area codes. You feel uninhibited and unencumbered everywhere you go, which isn’t at all bad — just make sure to keep them titties or saggy balls safely and legally inside your clothing. The same planets that regulate travel also mess with your sense of privacy, so remember: if you slut it up, just do it indoors, away from the windows and our virgin eyes.


With your birth planet of Mercury going retrograde for much of March, you (more than the rest of the zodiac), will feel this influence's disastrous effect on communication. When it comes to describing what you want in bed, much of what you say will be misinterpreted by your partner, meaning not only will you not feel satisfied, but you could also be starting down the barrel of some pretty hurt feelings. Write your intentions and desires down as opposed to speaking them out loud. Please. For the love of fuck.


Your first anal is a big step that should never be taken lightly. It’s been a long time coming, but all the haikus and gluten journaling you’ve been doing has got you feeling bold. Finally, you’re ready to take things to the next level and see what your “other” orifice can handle (asshole: it's the other white meat). Just be sure that your partner’s ready too, because once you go down this path, you’re likely to go down this path hard. You might never come back. Write us from wherever you are, okay?


This month, you’re like a fire that somebody came and poured about three small lakes worth of bacilli-laden water on — you’ve lost your spark. The mojo’s gone. The only way to get it back will be to do some serious self-reflection, followed by serious — stay with us now  — masturbation. You heard us. Masturbate. You need me-time. You need to reacquaint yourself with what feels good and what turns you on. If you don’t, your sex life will cry. Just like your dad when you told him you wanted to be a Reiki instructor.


Your ordinarily intense obsession with order and aesthetic will be tested this month when finding yourself inexplicably attracted to someone disheveled, whose head kinda looks like a shovel or a bean — they’re just not hot, objectively speaking. Regardless, you’re intensely fascinated and aroused by them, and you want them around, but you’ll have to reconcile how they look if you want to get anything worthwhile out of it. Helpful hint: all weird-looking people are good at chess. Score!


Expect to be swept off your feet this month, Libra. An unexpected, though very fuckable human being is likely to appear in the most bizarre of ways — perhaps through a fender bender or just a regular bender. Problem is, you being you, probably won’t know what to do about it. You want them, but you’re not sure if going for it is overstepping your bounds in some way. Go for it — your naive indecision is more petty than a sorority girl named Ashley-Brittany McSomething on Twitter.


Sometimes, you like to overcompensate for your crushing introversion by putting on a little social show; a peacock mating ritual, if you will. You go out, pretend you actually like people, and end up charming them into bed. Problem is, they’re charmed now. They like you. They want to be around you … it’s the worst. Make this a non-issue by staying in and ordering some Tinder take-out instead.


When was the last time you got laid? Like seven, eight months ago? This March, maybe think about changing that lest a rodent infestation breaks out in the abandoned strip mall that is your vagina or penis. You need to realize you’re worthy of desire and that you deserve to have your fantasies filled. Otherwise, you’re just going to be feeling your genital rats forever. Exercise or something; right now, you need some confidence … or some dry humping, at the very least.