Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Neptune, the planet of fluidity, is in your seventh house this month. This has the dual effect of making you both flexible and indecisive. Normally, you operate under rather austere standards of self-control, but this month is an anything-goes type of month, meaning it may be finally time to dip into the lava-hot world of raging slutdom you always used to look down upon before the stick fell out of your ass.


You’re feeling really poetic this month, Aqua-dude. You may find yourself scribbling romantic or romantically dirty poems down in your stupid hipster Moleskin notebook as you languish in the connection between passion and words. Oddly though, this is not the month to let this newfound literature interest color your romantic interactions. Nobody wants to hear that their lips are like “swirling hills of soft color swarming electrically in cosmic twilight.” Ew.


Hey. So. You’re not the most decisive zodiac sign. Normally you rely on your friends to tell you when someone you’re seeing is fuck-worthy, but this month, everyone is way too busy dealing with their own shit to help you, so you’re going to have to man up and decide for yourself whether that person with the butternut-squash shaped jaw is worthy of your attention. Hint they are if they’re rich and also if you can stand the way they pronounce “milk” like “melk.”


Be careful of spending too much time with one person this month; the stars know you’re in love, they get that you’re horny, and they sure as shit know that you’ve gone untouched for long enough. But, this month’s clingy persona the zodiac has in line for you carries a real danger of getting too burnt out on your new partner. Have you ever tried “spending a night apart?” It’s the hottest new hot sex trend, try it.


You should have anal sex this month. Just try it. Hear us out; Mercury is conjunct Uranus (no pun intended), which means everything will feel backwards and like it needs to be righted somehow. Whatever form of penetration you usually take part in will feel wrong … but the opposite of it will feel right. This could mean you switch to butt stuff, or that you only do oral, or that you delve into the world of toys … but seriously just have some anal.


The world is full of secretly erotic shit, something that as an air sign, you’re intimately attuned to. And this month, you’ll find yourself drawn to the erotic world of food. For some reason, things going into people and coming out of them will ignite some fiery genital reaction in you, and you’ll need to find a partner that doesn’t mind you filming them eating borscht and burgers while you masturbate on top of a pizza. Uh, we’re free Friday … so.


You’re a domestic little man-woman-person by nature, which is why you find yourself so attracted to people who seem exotic to you. You’re always fantasizing about Alaskan Inuits or Malaysians or beefy German people, so why not experiment with some internet live-cam chat rooms where you can cycle through people from around the world? Technology is your friend this month when it comes to bringing foreign dick-pussy to your doorstep.


The stars are finally letting up on you this month. All the pressure and stress your relationships brought you last month will fade a bit in May, but it’s only because you’re about to be pummeled into a bloody, heartbroken pulp in June … that is, if you refuse to send this chain email to 300 of your contacts by 12:00 tonight. Or, you can sent it and be happy forever. Either way, the stars sit on your face.


You’re single, but you’re not ready to mingle. You want a prodigy. You want spawn. You have a hyper-developed checklist of things you’re looking for in a potential chromosome donor, and, understandably, your high standards have made it impossible to find a partner who’s on the same “REPRODUCE OR DIE” life course as you. Try fucking around with the older crowd. They’ll either bear your seed or it’ll be so awful you’ll shrivel up and never have sex again.


If you’ve got an aching dread that someone is about to break your heart, that’s because as a water sign, you’re born with intuition. Trust your gut, and break it off with them before they break up with you … a boost from Jupiter in your first will help you develop all the false pride and delusion you need to take initiative, and Mars will help you deal with your pain the right way; by medicating with veiny cock.


As soon as your industrial-grade Sibian sex dildo chair arrives in the mail this month, things are will start looking up for you. You’re all about primal experimentation and kink, and the more you dive into that part of yourself, the happier you’ll be. That’s why the stars will do everything in their power to put you in kinky situations in May … what we’re trying to say, is get waxed.


May will be full of fun surprises for you in the bedroom thanks to the fact that the cubic shit ton of air in your chart makes you talkative. You suddenly feel comfortable communicating your needs and desires, something that’s infinitely intensified by your natural proclivity towards brutal honesty. Some people may be taken aback when you tell them you want to wake up with their mouths on your junk … others will just feel vaguely hungry.