Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … or the first few drinks.

Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … or the first few drinks.


When someone texts you a funny joke, your automatic response is to drool for like 45 minutes then drop your iPhone into a vat of cream cheese. This is because Mercury is in your seventh house, which makes you neither a candidate for sex nor happiness. Until you develop a sense of humor, you’re just gonna have a phone covered in cream cheese.


Imagine a small fishing village where rival boat builders compete to supply fishermen throughout the region. Now imagine a dimly lit tavern in West Virginia where a guy named Barry has put his hand on the knee of someone named Terry. Finally, picture a little boy repeatedly dunking his hand into a milky bowl of Frosted Flakes. That’s what your sex life is gonna be like this month. Sorry.


Ever heard of “Netflix and chill?” Well this month, it’s gonna be more like “CSPAN-2 and double anal” for you. And yeah, you might protest, ask the stars to bump you down to “Animal Planet and die alone,” but do you think the stars are listening to you? No. They’re listening to the Ke$ha song “Tick Tock” and figuring out how they can run into Earth and destroy it.


You think people are attracted to you because you’re funny and good looking, but in all reality, it’s because you smell a lot like cinnamon rolls. Like a big, plush Cinnabon from the airport when you’re flying to Cleveland or from the mall when you’re shame-shopping for yourself at Jared. People see you, and they want to drizzle warm frosting down your nape — that’s pretty much all you have going for you.


There’s no doubt that you see yourself as marriage material and put certain nuptial ideals on a pedestal. There’s nothing wrong with that, but this month, you might have a change of heart when you realize that you’ve been dead for 40 years. The likely culprit? An animal fell on you. It’s not common, but it happens. If you’re single, get ready to mingle.


How spicy do you like it? Are we talking Flamin’ Hot Funyuns hot? Or like “turn the thermostat up to 76” hot? What about a cold heat? Do you like cold burning? Does it hurt to pee? Careful! This month, a fire sign gives you a fire in your loins and your sex life gets smoldering hot. Just make sure you know when you’ve taken the “hot sex” joke way too far …


Long-term commitment is one of your best skills aside from breathing and crying, which is great because this month, you come across a lot of people you could see yourself being with until the day you croak. But that’s just it — which one of these fools do you want to witness wither away until the point of medical intervention, shitting themselves on the daily? We’d go with the blonde one.


You sly motherfucker; you’re at it again! For you, it’s another month of stupid, inglorious relationship bliss for the rest of us to fling poo at. You’re like the stupid wax bride and groom or bride and bride or groom and groom on top of the chocolate or vanilla or boysenberry poppyseed ice cream cake at the shitty Pinterest wedding at the old barn / mountain hot spring / architecturally eye-opening gazebo. Suck a wedding registry and our DICKS.


This November, things start to boil over in your relationship and you’re left wanting more. As a Virgo, you’re highly ambitious, but if your partner’s weighing you down at all, you’re liable to jump ship … which is highly ironic, because you can’t swim. At all! Like not even a little, ha ha! Nevertheless, you ride a dolphin to victory and have a threesome with some water nymphs.


Remember that freak hula-hooping accident where you decapitated two children? One of those children came back to life, and 12 years later, they’re big-time sex material. It’s going to be a little awkward apologizing over coffee, but just know that sometimes when you hurt someone, they’re strong enough to come back and love you again. Even if they’re a cryogenically frozen head.


Who’s the fire starter? The wicked fire starter? It’s obviously your Pisces neighbor. So, think twice before leaving that flaming bag of shit on their doorstep; your next true love could be standing behind that door, and you don’t want them stepping in dung. Maybe take them to Chinese and see if you can bond over some General Tso’s.


Your new sense of self will take over at the workplace this month, but just because you got that promotion at the dentist’s office does not excuse your behavior in administering Novocaine to the entire staff … especially in lethal doses. Luckily enough for you, your dream man or woman will waltz straight into the small-rodent dentistry office where you work (ever seen Ratatouille?) and literally sweep you off your feet with a huge tree-sized broom.