"Hey baby, show me a smile!"

How many times do you think this phrase, when shouted at a stranger by a stranger, has lead to consensual physical touching?

If you guessed absolutely zero, then ding ding ding! We have a winner.

By and large, cat-calling doesn't work. It's a completely ineffective, borderline terrifying method men attempt to pick up women with. And yet, those wily little bastards still do it.

There have been several great articles that attempt to explain why. Taking the perspective of the cat-caller himself, many have attempted to rationalize and psychoanalyze this curious behavior through first-person accounts. Yet, save for this powerful video of a woman walking through NYC getting cat-called for 10 hours, we don't hear from a lot of women explaining why it doesn't work. We hear that they don't like it and that it's objectifying, but rarely what the problem is and why they feel objectified.

The fact that we have to lay out why a random dude shouting "Nice ass, is it for me?" doesn't quite work as a romantic introduction is ludicrous, but since it still seems men need a little help understanding the issue here, we decided to round up some actual ladies who've been cat-called to explain it to penis-kind.

To be totally fair, there are always two sides to every story. Some women like being cat-called and see it as a compliment or an affirmation that they're doing something right. But, as the chart below shows, the vast majority of ladies take the opposite stance: cat calling sucks ass. Guess which side we'll be hearing from today?

"Because no one hot ever does it. Show me a sexy, tattooed young father who whistles at me on the street and I'm on him."
– Natalie, 34

"Men only do it to show off how heterosexual they are to their stupid little friends and to be the butt of that primate-like display when you don't want to be is disgusting."
– Olivia, 22

"Because I literally do not know what they're thinking. What am I supposed to do, just bend over and lube up my asshole? Like what result of a cat-call could they possibly be imagining?"
– Liz, 28

"It's so disrespectful. It treats women like dogs; it's like men think if they whistle or gesture at us we'll do a little trick. So demeaning."
– Amelia, 25

"Because if we wanted anything to do with you, we'd make the move ourselves. Men should always assume that if a woman is a stranger or she's just walking by, she wants nothing to do with them."
– Farah, 25

"It feels gross because they don't know me at all. I don't get why they're so interested in me when the only interaction we've had was me walking near them. I could be completely insane. I could have teeth in my vagina. I could mace your eyeballs. Men should be wary of what we can do."
– Tanya, 20

"The fucking worst is when men tell you to 'smile.' Like, 'You'd look so much hotter if you'd smile.' FUCK THAT. You don't know my life. You don't know what I've been through. My life is not a performance for you. I don't exist to brighten your day."
– Carolyn, 26

"Men think they're flattering you and being nice but it's invasive and creepy and completely unwanted. It's not flattering because they do it to literally everybody."
– Renee, 28

"In my experience, guys always do it in groups, and that's immediately ridiculous and threatening. Like what are you gonna do, gang bang me?"
– Daria, 22

"Men don't realize that women don't belong to them. We're real human beings, walking around with agendas and purposes that have nothing to do with you for a reason. When you cat-call, you're making the assumption that a woman is there for your enjoyment or entertainment, like she's just waiting for you. In reality, she's just trying to live her life and imposing yourself onto her demeans everything she does."
– Skyler, 26

"It's insulting that these men think they can have me. It actually makes me feel worse about myself — like do I look so bad today that a random drunk fat ass on the street thinks he has a chance?"
– Justine, 21

"Because any guy who cat calls is automatically disqualified in the race to my vagina. It's the quickest thing he can do to ensure he's getting nowhere near me. It shows he understands nothing about women, has no self-control and has poor judgment. Now, a respectful guy that doesn't shout bullshit at me from across the street because he's to pussy and crass to say it to my face in a non-threatening way? That's a guy I'll give the time of day to, even if I'm not interested."
– Heather, 30

Alrighty then! Clearly — clearly — cat-calling makes many women feel some nauseating combination of demeaned, disrespected, afraid, angry, insulted and objectified. Not only that, but women seem to see right through men's game when it comes to cat calling. So staaaahp.

While many men insist they're "just saying hi" or "just trying to be nice," by howling profane idiocies, no chick is that stupid. We know common kindness is not what you're after — this is America. Since when did the well-being of random strangers matter at all to any of us? When men make sexualized, objectifying comments at us, it does nothing but broadcast to the world that said men aren't doing it to make us feel good, but to impress their friends or entertain themselves. Zero part of that is fuck-worthy.

Want our advice? Follow this guy's lead and just turn into a goose instead.