These accounts from women of failed pickup attempts make us ugly cringe.

We're not going to sit here and pretend like we haven't struck out a few times in our lives. More than once, really. Alright, more than most, but that's neither here nor there right now. But while we can hang our heads in shame for past indiscretions, the following, true accounts we has submitted to us from local ladies is a lot worse than just bombing out — these dudes clearly have no idea what they're doing …

“I was watching PANTyRAiD a few years back with some friends. It was getting close to the end of the show, so I was going to grab my jacket I had tied up around a pole. As I was leaning over, this tiny little dude wearing a huge oversized Tasmanian Devil jacket came up behind me, and starts grinding on me and flailing his arms around saying: ‘HEY BABY, I’VE BEEN WATCHING YOU ALL NIGHT! LET’S DANCE.’

I turned around in slow motion and gave him the dirtiest look ever, put my hand on his chest and with all my power, shoved him as hard as I could away from me. Please note: this guy was tiny. He went flying. Moral of the story: don’t ever touch an unsuspecting lady if you don’t have permission.”

–Lauren, 23
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“So I was sitting with a group of friends at Bitter Bar one night. I happened to sit down next to a guy who was also with a group. He struck up a conversation with me and we ended up chatting for around 20 minutes. I was totally sober and he seemed sober as well. His friends decided to leave, so he asked for my number and I gave it to him (why not, we hit it off). He texted me throughout the week up until the next weekend, which happened to be my birthday. We planned to meet up Friday night and texted until he told me he had arrived at the bar I was at with my friends. He came up to our group, turned to my best friend and said ‘Happy Birthday!’ and leaned in to give her a hug. She stopped him, pointed at me and said ‘I think you’re looking for her.’ I gave him my most withering look and said: ‘You should leave.’

He left without saying a word.”

-Claire, 30
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“I was hanging out at a bar, when this dude walked straight up to me and said something like this: ‘What’s your name, where are you from, do you have a boyfriend, my friend thinks you’re hot and wants to meet you. He’s single!’ Then he just stood there expectantly while I tried to figure out what the fuck just happened.

‘Tell your friend to grow a dick and come talk to me himself then,’ I told him and walked away. I got secondhand embarrassment for both of them."

-Lily, 27