Thanks to these folks who tried, then miserably failed at getting high, just saying “no” to drugs has never been easier.

Thanks to these folks who tried, then miserably failed at getting high, just saying “no” to drugs has never been easier.

February, 2013: Jack Bauer trips balls and redecorates … poorly

Counter­terrorism agent Jack Bauer couldn’t prevent himself from terrorizing feng shui. By Jack Bauer, we mean Seattle man David Stolte, who was, despite what you’re thinking, on drugs and not Jack Bauer. Instead of stealing valuables like a proper burglar, he proceeded to bizarrely redecorate his neighbor’s place to his LSD­induced liking. When his neighbors came home, they found a frozen crab in the closet, cat litter in the sink and all of their clothes in the bathtub. All of their bank cards had been removed from their wallets and inserted into a chocolate muffin, and the peep hole had been removed from the door. When police caught up with him, he identified himself as counter­terrorism agent Jack Bauer from the TV show “24.” You know what? This actually sounds like a blaring advertisement for why you should do drugs … maybe we shouldn’t put this one in here.

February 2013: Cocaine is a hell of a drug, even in Florida

A Florida man made a fairly understandable mistake, telling police officers he shouldn’t be arrested because pretty much everything is legal in Florida. Much to his chagrin, cocaine was not one of those things. Police, who were actually responding to a different call, came across him hiding behind a flower pot, trying to stuff it with cocaine. Speaking of stuffing, it turns out he had also stuffed some in his nose. “I don’t understand,” he said when they arrested him for cocaine possession. “I thought cocaine wasn’t illegal in Florida.” Unfortunately, cocaine possession is still a federal offense, even in a state where alligators roam the streets and bath salts rain from the the heavens like a trippy plague.

October  2013: Heroin + children = jail

Out of all of the possible times and places Pennsylvanian man Christopher Chiapetta could have passed out on heroin, did it really have to be in front of a classfull of elementary school kids? Well, yes. Yes it did. Story goes, it was about 6 a.m. and he thought, "I'd like to do some heroin now,” which was going great until his high was rudely interrupted by a call from the elementary school where he was a substitute teacher; he had to go in. So instead of being like, "Naw, man I'm on my way to another job" or "Sorry, I’m on heroin," he went in. He got through class until about 11 a.m., when his body was like, "Nope" and he passed out in front of an audience of little children. When school administrators finally woke him up, he denied being under the influence … until they found four bags of heroin in his pockets and some weed in his car. Chiapetta faces drug and child endangerment charges. That, kids, is why you don't do drugs … or go to school.

September 2013: Ah, the miracle of life … or cocaine

Ah, the miracle of life, when one beaming, expectant mother gives birth to a bouncing, five pound… stash of cocaine. Take Tabitha Leah Ritchie, for example. The seemingly pregnant mom-­to­-be was detained by officials in a Colombian airport following a routine security pat down after TSA officers noticed her pregnant stomach was "unusually cold and hard." Instead of chalking it up to some sort of immaculate conception, TSA brought her in for questioning. Agents discovered Ritchie wasn't even a little pregnant. They also discovered she had strapped a fake, latex pregnancy belly to her own and filled it with nearly five pounds of nose candy. Well, everyone, that's what happens when you don't wear a condom.

March 2011: Bath salts: not even once

There’s nothing quite like a ritualistic goat killing to kick off a three­day, bath­salt bender. That’s at least how Mark Thompson of West Virginia likes to party. Thompson stole his neighbor’s pygmy  goat late one evening because he needed a companion. At 3 a.m., the neighbor realized her goatwas gone and saw it wandering around Thompsons property. She went with a friend to get itback, but instead of finding a happy goat eating yard garbage, they found Thompson clad in a bra and panties covered with blood. The goat was dead on the floor bleeding out on a stack of pornography. When they asked, “What the fuck dude?” Thompson took off into the woods and was found by police a few hours later. Lesson learned from this: When on bath salts, stay away from petting zoos.

November 2011: Deck the halls with boughs of bath salts

It normally takes months of Christmas carols and thousands of toy commercials for most people to get into the holiday spirit … then again sometimes all it takes is a healthy dose of bath salts. Terry Trent of Ohio knows this all too well. Trent was high on bath salts one day when he thought the neighbors weren’t celebrating Christmas the right way. He broke into the family’s home and selflessly decked their halls. Then he sat his ass down on the couch to watch TV. When an 11 ­year­-old boy heard the TV blaring he investigated and found the man, who certainly wasn’t Santa Claus, just chillin. Freaked out, the boy called his mom, who called the cops. Trent apologized for scaring the boy, gathered his things and left, which is a relief because more often than not people on bath salts attack and eat the sober people who find them doing weird shit.

May 2012: Florida: where you can get a side of face with your hard drugs

Everyone knows the zombie apocalypse is imminent, but some people just prepare more than others. We’re not talking about stockpiling water bottles and canned food … we’re talking using bath salts to acquire a taste for human flesh before the rest of the zombies show up. Thankfully for Rudy Eugene, we’ve got a pretty good idea of how to eat face when our cannibal hunger strikes. Eugene was allegedly high on bath salts when he attacked a homeless man on a Florida causeway. He did what any person insanely high on drugs would do and got naked … then starting eating a hobo’s face. His hunger was so insatiable that law enforcement had to shoot him repeatedly to distract him from his snack. Bath salts were thought to be cause, but later coroners were only able to find trace amounts of marijuana and unidentifiable pills in his system, along with pieces of face stuck in his teeth.  Repeat after us, “Drugs are bad, drugs are bad.” Good. Thanks.

December 2010: Stealing cars for meth and babies

When you steal cars to pay for your meth habit, you should probably check the back seat for babies before you drive off. Brandon Hough of Minnesota learned that the hard way. One day while high on meth, Houghs happened upon a seemingly vacant, running car. The opportunistic junkie hopped in and and took off. What he didn’t prepare for was a bouncing 11­month­old baby in the back seat. Taking care of a baby while you’re tweaking is really hard, so he, of course, tried to exchange it for more meth from a friend. Unfortunately for Hough, his friend didn’t want the baby or the car and alerted the authorities. Using impeccable druggie logic, Hough dropped the baby off by a dumpster surmising someone would find it eventually. He was promptly arrested and charged with kidnapping. Apparently infants don’t have the market value they used to.