We let the ones who understand intricate and complex female minds explain how to approach and interact with women: The women themselves …

When it comes to hitting on girls, guys are about as effective as a Tropical Mist flavored condom. That's why we let the ones who understand the intricate and complex female minds explain how to approach and interact with women: the ladies themselves.

Every girl’s ideal pick-up:

Girls want to be hit on, but they don’t want to know they’re being hit on. The best way to start talking to a girl is to gradually ease into conversation with her and her friends. Say something casual and funny, or strike up a natural conversation about what’s happening around you, something you both can relate to, or something interesting that she might not know.

Gradually start talking only only her; this makes it seem like talking to her was just a happy coincidence, not your original intent, which feels less creepy. Also, be dashing.

photo - annoyed woman on phone

How to piss us off in five easy steps:

1. Grab or touch us … unless you’d like a new restraining order.

2. Ask us personal questions like, “Where do you live?” You might as well just ask us which window is easiest to climb through with chloroform in hand.

3. Ask us dumb questions such as, “What are you drinking?” or “What are you doing tonight?” We’re obviously at a bar, drinking beer to numb the pain of talking to you.

4. Ignore our body language. If we’re looking at our phone, at our friend with wide, terrified eyes, or at a spot just past the top of your forehead, beat it.

5. Buy us a drink without asking what we want. Example: buying a girl with a fatal gluten allergy a beer will only result in her having a fatal allergy to you. And not everyone likes Kool-Aid with Everclear and beer in it like you do, so if you can tell she’s into you, at least let her choose between PBR and Tecate.

photo - shocked woman

How to make us want you in five easy-ish steps:

1. "Be respectful."
If we tell you we have a boyfriend, or we seem bummed you’re talking to us, that’s your cue to exit. Don’t ask us where our boyfriend is. He’s in our imagination, and he’s a funnier version of Ryan Gosling. You can’t compete.

2. "Be genuine."
We can tell if you’re straight-up hitting on us. Instead, have an actual conversation with us before you buy us a drink so we can tell if you’re worth drinking with. It presents the illusion that you care, and that’s a nice thought.

3. "Learn to talk."
Think about what you’re going to say to us, and what the next step in the conversation will be. For example, when you say something like “I haven’t seen you here before,” there is absolutely nothing for us to say after that other than “OK?” Think about giving a girl conversational opportunities, not shutting her down with stupid questions.

4. "Retain information."
Like our names.

5. "Make us laugh."
We’re completely willing to overlook your unfortunate genetic situation if you’re funny.

photo - woman wearing glasses - shocked

Making the approach:

Strike up a natural conversation.

Do Not:
Use idiotic pick-up lines, such as: “Were your parents retarded? Because you seem like a special girl.”

Ask us to dance.

Do Not:
Sidle up behind us when we’re dancing and stick your half-inflated boner into our butt before we’ve met face-to-face.

Approach us when we’re with our friends.

Do Not:
Stand there lurking and staring until there’s a millisecond-long lull in the conversation, then jump in. If you can’t ease into a conversation naturally, you’re not going to be easing any plugs into any sockets.

Make flirty eye contact and smile from across the room.

Do Not:
Stare at us as if your unbreakable gaze might levitate us across the room onto your dick. We have mace for that shit.

Buy us a drink after you’ve talked to us for a little and you can tell we’re not plotting an escape route.

Do Not:
Walk right up to us and ask if you can buy us a drink. It makes us feel like you think we can be bought with a single can of Coors.

Ask us for our number if we’re hitting it off.

Do Not:
Call the number she just gave you to see if it’s actually hers. If she gave you the wrong one, and she’s standing right there when you call it, you’ll look like Mr. Midwest Regional Asshole 2016.

Help your friends meet girls.

Do Not:
Over-play the wingman role by telling a girl that your friend, who she’s never met, thinks she’s hot and wants to meet her. It makes you look like Lance Armstrong, in terms of the amount of balls you have.

photo - irritated woman

Location, location, location:

Hit on us here:

– The bar
– A concert
– A party
– Mutual friend’s house
– A date we’re on …(with you)

Not here:

– Grocery store
– Gym
– Work (if we look busy or our job is stripping)
– Laundromat
– Sex store

photo - angry woman - cell phone

Our favorite excuses for turning you down:

1.  “I have a boyfriend.”

2.  “I’m a lesbian.”

3. “I’m a mortician.”

4. “I have tetanus.”

5. “You remind me of a guy, that I once knew. I see his face whenever I look at you. Couldn’t believe all of the things he put me through. This is why, I just can’t get with you.”