Long ago, before humans had learned the science of agriculture, before we put down the roots of civilization and built permanent homes and structures, we wandered — we hunted. Our ancestors scraped a living out of the dirt and mud of this undeveloped planet and it was not easy work. Every meal was a relief. Every kill was a celebration of life — of food — of another day survived.
Things are different now. We get our produce at grocery stores where things are bright and shiny and laid out for us like food in a dog’s bowl.
But there are some who still practice the old ways. There are some who still hunt for the sustenance they stock their freezers with…
And no, I’m not talking about those shmucks who sneak up on an elk ort a deer with a .30-06 sniper rifle and blast the poor creature through its beating heart. Nor am I talking about those filthy fishermen, or degenerate trappers.
I’m talking about vegan hunters. The real hunters.
Tried, true and badass, these are the people doing things the right way. They are hunting their 100% organic produce with fair-chase methods, giving every vegetable a fair shot. They have to be in peak physical condition, their senses have to be fine-tuned, and they need a practiced hand. Sometimes their hunts are successful — other times their vegetable quarry escapes, leaving them empty handed.
Mother Nature can be fickle like that.
But success, makes the failures worth it. There’s nothing like the adrenaline rush and the explosion of dopamine that accompanies a successful vegetable take. When you release that bow-sting and watch your arrow fly, true to its mark, embedding into the vitals of a pumpkin or a cabbage, when you see your produce take its last breath, you get the same elated high your ancient ancestors did whenever they downed a veggie.
If you want to start living your truest most authentic life, you should look into vegan hunting. It's the most ethical way to get your veggies.
**In case it flew over your head, this article was written satirically. You cannot fair chase hunt veggies and our ancestors ate meat.