That’s actually a really good point. So often, the advice people give us is intelligent (great job, Ibby) and well-meaning, but it’s much harder to pull off than it seems. Like if you asked me how you could get your girlfriend to let you come in her eyes, the best advice for me to give you would be to “talk to her about it.” Communicate. Be yourself, and so on. But when you’re laying in bed, and you’re talking about your day, bringing up your sexual fantasies doesn’t always fit into the conversation, especially when they’re a little perverted.
Even though the best way to do that is to literally just come out with it, doing that can seem crass and can suck the spontaneity out of it. If I’m a girl (that’s how the legend goes) and I tell my boyfriend I really want him to push me against a wall, make out with me and slowly take off my clothes, then it’s going to seem staged or ingeniune when he actually does it. I get it.
I guess what it comes down to is how much you want to see your desires actualized, be they sexual or not. How much do you want what you want, and what are you willing to do to get it? You have to know that you deserve to get the things you want. Letting go of how you might sound to the other person when you ask for what you want is part of that. You need to take risks to get rewards.
Plus, no relationship should be based on tip-toeing around each other's desires. What makes a relationship intimate in healthy is exposing your vulnerabilities and working through them together, even if your vulnerabilities involve you strung up like a cut of meat in a butcher shop and vibrated with the voltage of a motorboat engine. And, trying new things together is what keeps you interested in each other; new experiences cause a near-identical neurochemical reaction in your brain as falling in love does. So there's some justification for putting aside your embarrassment in the name of your pleasure.
If your partner isn't down for the stuff you bring up, that's fine too. Their rejection of your ideas is the worst thing that can happen, and on the spectrum from colon cancer to an alien apocalypse, that's not that bad. It's their loss if they don't want to be whipped with Twizzlers.
When you say that something’s easier said than done, you give yourself an excuse continue on the same path you’re on. It feels nice to say something's easier said than done; it takes the pressure off you, but it takes nerve and balls to ask for what you want. Life's too short to settle for shit that makes feel like you might as well be paralyzed from the waist down because you can't feel anything when so and so uses their appendage to so and so your so and so.
You just have to know your needs are more important than anyone else’s, even mine, and what I need is to go eat pizza. Bye.
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