Dear Ibby, My girlfriend and I seem to never have sober sex. We always have to be slightly buzzed. Is that normal protocol? If not, what should we do differently?

Fun, can I come? That’s not normal at all … but it makes sense. At low levels, alcohol acts as a vasodilator, opening up your arteries so your skin feels more sensitive and your junk swells up with horniness and blood and glittery sprinkles.

Fun, can I come? That’s not normal at all … but it makes sense. At low levels, alcohol acts as a vasodilator, opening up your arteries so your skin feels more sensitive and your junk swells up with horniness and blood and glittery sprinkles.

That’s why you get horny when you’re buzzed. But at higher levels, it’s a vasoconstrictor, squeezing blood out of your P or V so you wind up with a hopeless case of whiskey dick or vagina. Plus, alcohol is relaxant, making you feel less inhibited and more like “Fuck me on this picnic blanket in front of the Denver Mint, tra la la.” If you wanna hit it without dropping $20 on a dispensary joint or an entire paycheck on prime molly, there are a few, non-narcotic things you can do to get the same intoxicating effect. They’re kind of Boulder-y, but hear me out; they work.

First, massage each each other. The increased blood flow and relaxation has the same effect has Captain Morgan’s or whatever other 7-Eleven malt liquor you’re drinking.
Second, tell each other something very personal or open up about something. Show your emotional vulnerability. Doing this makes you feel less inhibited, like time has slowed down and your connection is the only thing that matters.

Third, look deep into each other’s eyes and hug. Doing that releases dopamine and oxytocin in your brain, which makes you feel connected and intimate, which is intoxicating if you like each other … but not so much if you found her on MyRussianTeenBride.com.

Last, do something scary, surprising, reckless or exhilarating together. Break into your office and photocopy your butts and nut sacks. Go on a hot air balloon ride. Have sex in public at a concert or in a movie theater. Wrestle a wayward gator. Do things that make you feel as alive as getting fucked up does together, and you might actually remember what each other’s names are for once. Romantic!