… What? I don’t believe you. What are you doing, launching your dick like a self-guided ballistic missile from the U.S. to Cuba during the Cold War? Where on this earth can you find such deep, encompassing darkness that there is no available light for anus-finding? Underground? Are you guys  groundhogs?

… What? I don’t believe you. What are you doing, launching your dick like a self-guided ballistic missile from the U.S. to Cuba during the Cold War? Where on this earth can you find such deep, encompassing darkness that there is no available light for anus-finding? Underground? Are you guys  groundhogs?

Barring that confounding factor, even if you were suspended in total darkness, you’ve still got hands. I know that, because you used them to write me this bizarre anecdote. Take those stumpy sausage fingers of yours and feel around for it in the dark. Blind people do it all the time, and you don’t see them complaining about not being able to find buttholes.

If that’s over your head, or maybe you don’t have hands at all and I’m just an asshole, then here are your options: They do make glow-in-the-dark butt plugs and dildos, so you can light her anus like a shining beacon of comfort and hope. Stick it in, turn the lights out, and let it be your lighthouse. Or, a regular old vibrator in her butt would also work; you should be able to feel where the vibration is coming from. So there’s that.

But I’m more interested in the darkness part. I can understand wanting to have anal in the dark, for poop modesty reasons. But the dark isn’t going to change the fact that there could be poop. In fact, anal is probably best in a dimly lit place, one that exists somewhere between total darkness and the sun on an illumination scale. You want some light to see if poop got anywhere, which I’m sure you know being that you’re the big Anal King and all.

Ask her if she’d be OK with you lighting some candles or using the dimmer switch. And if she’s still all, “Fuck me in the ass in a black hole,” you can always use kinky blindfolding as a ruse so she can’t see you down there with your walkie talkie, headlamp and anatomical topography map, you freaky anal spelunker.