Although tofu is undeniably responsible for creating a significant portion of today’s most troubling social and political issues, ruining your sex life shouldn’t be one of them. It’s not tofu’s fault that your girlfriend is blowing noxious bum wind into your face; that’s much more of a personal problem for her.

Although tofu is undeniably responsible for creating a significant portion of today’s most troubling social and political issues, ruining your sex life shouldn’t be one of them. It’s not tofu’s fault that your girlfriend is blowing noxious bum wind into your face; that’s much more of a personal problem for her.

Clearly, she’s having trouble keeping it in, which makes me think there’s something wrong with her diet or how her intestines process soy (no one’s gassy to the point of oral-sex devastation unless something’s not right). She should probably eat less of it. Tell her it’s not Y2K; she doesn’t have to stockpile tofu in her GI tract to prepare for a potential food shortage. Also, tell her to eat more fiber, have her get a colonic, or let her know that you love going down on her, but you’re not willing to if she’s eaten soy within a 1-7 hour time frame. Soy allergies exist … and her butthole might have one.

Also, try switching up what time of day you eat her out. Before meals is probably best … but not first thing in the morning. Her intestines have been resting all night and her tofu sandwich has just been festering, so she (like most people) is probably fartiest in the morning. 

As for it being insulting to you … that’s a weird thing to be insulted by. Don’t take farting personally. If anything, you should take it as a sign you’re doing something right; the more she gets into it, the less she probably focuses on not gassing you to death. Either that or you have the oral sex skills of a shrunken head and she's going about telling you that in a really novel way.

God damn it you people are asking me weird questions lately. Keep it up.

Email me at isabelle@therooster.com if you have a similar tofu conundrum, or need mildly scathing advice on any of life's difficulties.