How I received my first invitation to an orgy

I had to go to a multitude of sex-themed events before I got propositioned to join an orgy.

First, there was the sex party at a dominatrix dungeon. This one got a little too hot and heavy.

It was the initial shock of walking in to witness a naked man chained to a St. Andrews cross, his female partner simultaneously spanking him with a paddle and jerking him off. It was hearing a young lady’s heavy moans echo through the building as she’s fucked by a machine. It was meeting men who sexually identify as puppies. It was all too overwhelming.

Then, there was the time I went to a "munch,” a casual social gathering of folks in the local sex scene. No nudity, no humping, just conversation. This one wasn’t hot and heavy enough.

The shindig was arranged at a local iHop, a pretty odd setting for strangers to discuss masters, slaves, and cock and ball torture. Stepping into iHop, a wave of disappointment hit after spotting the crowd from the hostess stand — all were over the age of 60, with silver hair and teetering on the edge (or well over the edge) of obesity. Without even approaching the attendees, I turned around and left.

I didn’t find the right sex event until stumbling upon Orgasm Day, a series of sex storytelling and workshops aimed to “close the orgasm gap.” It was here that I met tons of other men and women who were young and attractive, approachable and sex-positive. Over the course of the night, I grew closest to one young woman, and before we parted ways, she invited me to join her for group sex.

Problem is: I'm not into orgies. I’m not into the vast majority of kinky shit I’m presented with every single time someone opens up to me about how they spice things up in the bedroom. And at some point, it started to make me feel insecure.

I would worry I’m not adventurous enough. I would worry I’ve been brainwashed by America’s puritanical sex-negative society to prefer monogamy and the missionary position, and that it’s too late to break the spell and become a free-spirited sexual deviant.

This suggestion to surround myself with numerous sets of genitals and attempt to juggle them all at once — it was another reminder of the sexual exploration I couldn’t even begin to consider. My head was swimming. My experience with this young woman had seemed so civil until she plunged us into the deep-end of erotic debauchery.

The woman's name was Tiffany, and I met her during a sex therapist’s lecture on the “12 types of orgasms.” She had pink hair braided into pigtails. I had a thrift shop sweater of wolves howling at the winter moon. Natural conversation starters. We introduced ourselves immediately, and conversation quickly turned to our sex lives.

She told me she had a boyfriend, but that they often had sex with other people. They were polyamorous swingers. Polyamorous when they sought out different partners separately. Swingers when they worked together to find couples to bring into their bedroom.

My relationship status was a snore in comparison. I have a boyfriend. We only have sex with one another. We’re too possessive to consider anything beyond that.

Tiffany listened closely to every detail I disclosed. It was clear in her final proposal, presented as an entry point into a kinkier sex life and a solution to our jealousy issues.

“It was so much fun hanging out with you, and I’m fine with being your friend, but full disclosure — I’m attracted to you,” she said. “I’d like to explore something more. If you’re interested, you and your partner can have dinner sometime with me and my partner, and we can see where things go from there…”

When I nervously passed the invitation on to my boyfriend, he nonchalantly admitted he wasn’t interested, but it was good to have options.

It’s good to have options, I repeated to myself again and again. It was a shift in perspective for me. I’d been living in a constant state of FOMO that created unnecessary anxiety surrounding my sex life.

But we didn’t need to be crucified and paddled. We didn’t need exotic sex toys or elaborate roleplays. We didn’t need to have group sex with other slutty couples.

If we ever get bored of our bedroom routine, the orgies, the paddles and the roleplay would still be waiting for us. Even if we never explore them, it’s good to have options.