The only thing slower than the female orgasm is rocks growing. That's fine and dandy; chick orgasms are slow for a host of beneficial evolutionary and social reasons. But every now and then, coming faster than the speed of light is the medicine you need.

Whether it's for simultaneous orgasm purposes, because your Dad is knocking on your door, because you're running from a bear,  or because you only have a 30-minute lunch break to consecrate your love with Matt the 18-year-old dish boy, aiming for speed like a vaginal NASCAR driver can more fun and useful than $50,000 in stripper dollars.

Here's how to get yourself there faster than you can say "Is it in yet?"

Tease yourself.

The quickest way to a quick orgasm is to be thoroughly aroused before you get to the orgasming part; the more blood you've already got circulating around your clit, G-Spot, butt, or wherever you like to be touched, the more sensitive and easy to stimulate you'll be. So, when you get even the slightest inkling of horniness, don't whip out your vibrator or boyfriend's dick right away; tease yourself and build up the anticipation until you can feel yourself getting wet and you can't take it anymore.

The best part about this is that you can build your own anticipation in public, whether it's in a meeting, while driving, in a movie, blah blah blah. Just stick with that feeling of arousal for a while; when you finally get to make yourself come, we guarantee you'll be gone in 60 seconds, like Nic Cage but 100% less Nic Cage.

Lube you.

Nearly 50 percent women who have use lube say that it makes it easier to have an orgasm, according to a new study from Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion. That slippery, warm feeling can give you the right kind of friction to put you over the edge.

Touch all the other body parts.

There's a lot of nerve sensation overlap that goes on in your body. Oftentimes, sensations that are perceived in the lips, nipples, neck or the small of the back are felt in the genitals as a warm, tingly rush, and that can make you come quicker than you expected to. If you have a partner, we'd ever-so-strongly recommend having them kiss the area on either side of your lips. If your fuck toy is out of town, lightly caress it with your finger as you get yourself off. Here's where we're talking about:

Find out what your non-gential erogenous zones are and make sure you or your pizza delivery guy is stimulating them at the same time you're going to town on your junk. All that neuronal cross-talk is like the Yellowstone Super Volcano of coming.


Women often have a sexual response to androgen pheromones and other subliminal corporeal scents that their partners give off. If there's someone who's made you come hard in the past, being in their bed, or fucking while they're wearing a shirt they've kind of sweated in, can make all the blood in your body buy up the real estate around your pussy and make you orgasm fast. Also, since smell is the strongest scent tied to memory, being in an environment that you had a great orgasm in or with someone that got your off can subconsciously signal to your brain that that's about to happen again, which is porn for your cerebellum.

If there's not a person, place, or object that makes you want to come, musky, natural scents like sandalwood, ylang ylang and peppermint can trigger an arousal response in your brain. So, if you're shooting for speed, light some incense or candles like a romantic-ass bitch.

Focus on the sensation of orgasm and imagine it happening to you.

You know what it's like to come. You know where on your body you or what's-his-face has to touch and how it has to be touched for you to explode. So, even if you're not receiving that particular sensation in any given moment, tune everything else out and focus all the energy you have in your little brain on imagining that you are.

Depending on how nifty you are with your hands or how much your partner knows what they're doing, imagining the sensation of orgasm might actually be better than the real thing. That's either really sad or really cool.

Kegel the shit out of yourself.

Nothing makes you come faster than using your pussy as a literal pump to bring more blood flow to it. Rhythmically squeezing your PC muscles is exactly how you get that done.

Plus, when you tighten your your PC muscles, it slightly contracts your vagina, gripping whatever's inside it and increasing friction against your G-Spot.

Certain women can squeeze their Kegels better in different positions, so switch your body around and figure out at what angle you can squeeze them with the most gusto. Great job!

Press down gently on your uterus.

Take whatever hand isn't grabbing a dick or dildo, and press down on your lower stomach right on, or above, your pubic bone. Massage that area, stroking up and down and in circles.

Doing this does two things. First, it stimulates your uterine smooth muscle to contract, which can help bring you to orgasm (uterine orgasms are one of the four types of genital orgasms women can have, but they're the rarest because normal penetration doesn't necessarily stimulate the uterus).

Second. you have a giant internal clit. The erectile tissue that makes up your clit actually extends internally, wrapping themselves around the vagina like this:

When you massage that part of your body, you activate the nerves there in a way that typical sex or masturbation might not. You can feel it best when you press about a centimeter or two up from your public bone.

Fantasy all over the place.

Just because you're not having sex with any combination of Clooney, Pitt and Damon doesn't mean you can't imagine you are. To speed things up, put yourself straight into your best fantasy and picture yourself coming hard from whatever imagined stimulus you're thinking of. If you can incorporate the imagined-orgasm technique feeling from above with a fantasy-scenario, you're golden.

Become an Australian.

In Australia, there's this thing called Tefina. Often likened to female Viagra, it's a testosterone nasal spray that's supposed help women come by dilating their genital blood vessels. It's got a 60 percent success rate in women who have trouble reaching orgasm, so if that doesn't get you there quicker, you may not have a pulse.