You haven’t had sex in so long, getting it in would be like losing your virginity all over again. But never fear; let us help you pop your cherry.  Here’s how.

You haven’t had sex in so long, getting it in would be like losing your virginity all over again. But never fear; let us help you pop your cherry.  Here’s how.

Take your standards and lower them. Lower. Nope, even lower.
Sometimes the best sex is with people you’re not necessarily physically attracted to initially. Here comes the reasoning: Oftentimes, people who fall below your attractiveness requirement level have a lot of other things going for them aside from looks. Humor, intelligence, a curious ability to talk to animals, a wallet that’s fatter than Chris Farley, for example. If you allow these other things to turn you on, you cast a much wider net than you would if you relied on looks, thereby increasing your chance of catching something on your hook. We know, you stopped calling your penis “Hook” in 12th grade, but the point is people’s non-physical qualities can be insanely arousing. If said person looks like a psychedelic hose beast, calm yourself. That’s what dimmer switches on lights are for.

Put yourself in weird, potentially awkward situations.
Maybe the reason you’re not getting laid is because you keep going to the same places and doing the same thing, and by this point, everyone knows you’re into airline-pilot roleplay. Venture out of your comfort zone, and hit up a bar you’ve never been to. Go to an S&M dungeon that doesn’t have a piece of equipment named after you. Take a trip to somewhere that you haven’t fathered a child with one of the hotel staff members. When you’re feeling uninhibited by the pleasure of new experiences, you’re more likely to throw caution to the wind and allow the bus driver to cop a feel. And when you have new, unusual experiences with other people, your little horn-dog brain releases dopamine in the presence of that spontaneity, which makes everyone horny. Mmm, brains.

Genuinely interest yourself in other people.
People can tell when you’re kind of half-there, lurking in a tepid psychological ether that straddles the boundary of consciousness and blankly salivating at their crotch regions. Practice being a really badass listener. Focus on who you’re speaking to and what your date’s saying. Your ability to understand and make people feel like you know them and care what they’re saying is disarmingly charming. When people think you really understand them on a mental level, they extrapolate that concept to physical realms and assume you’re probably as good at knowing bodies as minds. You might have to talk to the same person several times before you take him or her to Pleasure Town using this approach, but listening is the best way to get said person to slap your ass and call you Auntie.

Give no fucks.
When you’re too sociopathic to get to know someone enough to make him or her want you, go the “fuck it” route. Say exactly what you’re thinking, go for the kiss, and stop letting fear stop you from anything. Showing fear to the opposite sex sends douche chills up the spine. Changing who you are will just lead to regret sex. Don’t tell people what you think they want to hear, tell them exactly what you’re thinking. Don’t be afraid to make the first move and go up and talk to someone. If you get denied, a little humiliation is a good thing. Don’t be afraid of rejection; use it as an excuse to drink more. Of course, take this advice with a grain of salt. If you get even the vaguest impression the person you’re trying to bone is offended or disgusted by your brute honesty, fuck off. But at least you tried. Trying is better than masturbating to “Titanic” again.

Have the quintessential mirror conversation with yourself.
Look yourself in the eyeballs, and genuinely ask yourself why you’re not getting laid. Hint: It has nothing to do with the way you look. Ugly people have sex all of the time; have you ever seen amateur porn? So drop that idea. Instead, it might be because you’re an asshole. You might be too shy. You might be too picky. Figure out areas where you can improve. Alternatively, it might not be you at all. There’s every chance there’s been some freak series of coincidences, and you’re a good, perfectly engaging person who just isn’t getting attention from the people you want to. In that case, have you ever heard of Craigslist? It’s chock-ass-full with equally horny people who may or may not be serial killers, but that’s the risk you take in the game of love.

Stop trying so hard, god damn it.
Trying too hard to get laid is pussy/dick repellent. When you’re desperate for sweet action, you give off micro-cues in your body language and tone of voice that people unconsciously pick up on, and it makes them uncomfortable. So, instead of going out every night and being all, “tonight’s the night,” focus on yourself. Get really good at something. Distract yourself from the fact that your sexual dry spell makes the Sahara Desert look like a Beaches resort. No one wants to bang the desperate person in the room that’s hit on everyone. Instead, if they see a group of people having the most fun in the room, they’ll gravitate toward those people and strike up conversations or dance. Having the most fun makes you the most desirable.

Dress for the opposite of the occasion.
If you’re going to a crazy expensive bar where everyone is dressed in suits and cocktail dresses, you’re going to blend into the crowd and have to rely on your personality to get attention. The average person isn’t smart or funny enough for that. Try going to an insanely expensive bar in a T-shirt you got years ago and a pair of stained jeans. Being nonchalant and owning that you aren’t dressed for the occasion is a means of showing confidence and faking your social status. There is nothing the opposite sex likes more than a rule breaker who stands out from the crowd. Consider it peacocking … if the peacock was plucked and not a douchebag.