Missing shrimp, a cop that is unfamiliar with how the internet works, and a couple that really f-ing hates caramel flavoring. It's fun for the whole family!
It's fun for the whole family: match the mug shot to the news story to win a chance to feel like you really accomplished something today. Ready…go!
1. Man attacks mother's boyfriend with a samurai sword over missing can of shrimp
Jayson Laughman really likes shrimp. Hey, here at Rooster, we get that. So, he was understandably pretty pissed when a can of shrimp he wanted eat went missing last Saturday. Who stole the delicious, delicious shrimp? According to Jayson, it was his mother's boyfriend and resident shrimp theif, Micheal Airhart. Something was about to go terribly wrong.
Officers in Volusia Country, FL charged him with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after he allegedly attacked Michael…with a samurai sword, a move that can only be described as, "holy shit." After accusing the befuddled boyfriend of shrimp heist, he used the sword to break down his bedroom door and destroy his room. He then proceeded to throw kitchen knives at Michael. The two of them then had a "heated argument," and proceeded to go outside to fight, when Jayson threatened Michael with the third unusual object of the day, a statue, the Orlando Sentinel reports. Again, we're talking about canned shrimp here. Upon his arrested, Jayson claimed he was diabetic and the reason for the attack was dangerously low blood sugar. Laughman told deputies he didn't remember everything that happened during the fight because he "went into code red and lost his temper." Someone please get this man some seafood.
2. Dunkin' Donuts employee attacked, beaten over mistaken vanilla coffee order
A Florida (again!) couple beat and pistol-whipped a Dunkin' Donuts employee after receiving a coffee that was missing the vanilla flavoring they asked for on Tuesday.
Here's what went down. Alexis Longo and her loverman Jeffery Wright went through a Dunkin' Donuts drive through. Apparently, Alexis wanted coffee with vanilla. But she got coffee with caramel, an insult so grave and unforgivable that she and Jeffery parked their car, and went inside to speak with a manager. While waiting for the manager, they got into an argument with the employee who handled their order. The shit hit the fan, matters escalated, and Alexis and Jeffery wanted to so badly to prove their allegiance to vanilla flavoring and their vehement opposition to caramel, that they whooped the shit out of the employee. Apparently, things got so bad that Jeffery pistol whipped the poor flavor fucker-upper with a loaded Taurus Slim 9mm handgun several times before being arrested.
They're both in jail now…where there's no such thing as vanilla coffee.
3. Cop uses patrol car computer to search for child porn, is shocked to discover that law enforcement knows how to use the internet
Okay, if you're a cop, how do you not know that search histories can be traced back to you?
A Tennessee cop was busted last week after investigators discovered he had been using the computer in his patrol cruiser to look at kid porn…because no one ever checks those things, except always! What are they teaching these Tennesseee cops?
According to a criminal complaint filed yesterday, another cop using the computer discovered some pretty interesting search history on the computer when he was assigned to the cruiser. Stuff like, "fifth grade girls,"hot high school girls naked," and best of all, "young puffy nipples," popped up all over the place. The good sir reported his discovery to authorities, who were easily able to link the searches to Herbert Eugene Miller, an auxiliary officer with the Greeneville Police Department, who had been assigned to the patrol car on the day the searches took place. He was charged with two felony accounts or receiving and possessing child pornography. Once again, law enforcement proves itself to be a wiley master of the internet, and cops prove themselves to be just about one gene sequence away from a rock.
1 = C
2 = A
3 = B