Your very unfortunate girlfriend is just exercising her human need to use the hole in her face to communicate. Talking about the trivialities of interpersonal relationships or trying to answer unanswerable questions is what separates us from invertebrates. I mean, shit, if people only talked about important stuff, the only headlines you’d read would be something like “Remember to Drink Water Sometimes” or “Bill Murray Asks Dear Ibby to Marry Him.”

Your very unfortunate girlfriend is just exercising her human need to use the hole in her face to communicate. Talking about the trivialities of interpersonal relationships or trying to answer unanswerable questions is what separates us from invertebrates. I mean, shit, if people only talked about important stuff, the only headlines you’d read would be something like “Remember to Drink Water Sometimes” or “Bill Murray Asks Dear Ibby to Marry Him.”

Your girlfriend is simply making use of the higher brain structures that give her self-consciousness; it’s a feature of her biologically programming. Look, people talk. Especially women. It makes them happy. It fosters bonds. It makes them feel like they matter, but if that’s problematic for you, then you’re problematic.

If you can’t communicate and carry on a conversation with her, then what are you doing together? Your girlfriend should be with someone who enjoys communicating. You, on the other hand, should be with someone who is highly allergic to sound. Therefore, a better question would be, “Is there any way for me to live in a world of penetrating silence, unmarred by human vocal frequencies?”

So glad you asked! There are many options for you. First, invest in a latex sex doll, car exhaust pipe or otherwise inanimate object that can serve its intended function of receiving your surely mutated seed without giving you any lip. What it lacks in vocal cords, it’ll make up for with a lack of vocal cords. Muusic to your highly particular ears.

But oh, wait, you want something with a heartbeat, you say? Well, OK! Mute people need love too. You could always spend thousands of dollars and three years of your life becoming proficient in sign language so you could woo a mute lassie. If she tries to talk to you in sign language, blind yourself so even when she tries to talk, you can’t see it. You’re in the clear! Or I should say everlasting darkness!

What I’m getting at is check yourself. You should be thankful there’s a person on this earth who’s willing to say anything to you, one that cares about your opinion enough to share her thoughts and feelings with you. That’s a lot more than some people can say. And if you don’t like it, let her move on and find someone who wants to hear what she has to say about Carly’s meltdown at the work party and blah blah blah not listening.