It doesn’t take a detective to realize how slow of a news week we’ve had. As soon as the entire world’s attention span dissipated concerning the Ukraine and Russian war, America needed a new scandal to sink its teeth into. Now, it seems as if the nation’s entire viewpoint has shifted from preconceived notions of nuclear annihilation over to whether it’s OK to slap comedians for telling jokes.

Now, a new, even more pointless story has emerged, further burdening your existential knowledge with unimportant nonsense as you continue to struggle with a desensitized growing apathy to tragedy that can only be attributed to modern day media and 21st century capitalism.

That’s right: Snoop Dogg, the rapper and alleged cannabis user, will be moving his record label, Death Row Records, to the Metaverse, making the label the first ever NFT record label in human history… whatever that means.

According to Insider, Mr. Dogg announced the plan last month through the social media app Clubhouse after buying the record label earlier this year.

“Death Row will be an NFT label. We will be putting our artists through the metaverse and through a whole other chain of music,” Dogg said. “Just like how we broke the industry when we were the first independent to be major,” he continued. “I want to be the first major in the metaverse, so Death Row will be an NFT.”

If you’re unaware, NFT stands for non-fungible token, and it is easily the most recognizable proof that nobody, especially in America, deserves a free and unregulated market.

Following the release of his newest album in February, BODR (Bacc on Death Row), Snoop Dogg released three bonus songs through a blockchain gaming platform called Gala Games.

“If anything is constant, it’s that the music industry will always be changing,” Snoop said in a press release. “Blockchain tech has the power to change everything again and tip the table in favor of the artists and the fans, and we’re going to be right at the front of the pack.”

Death Row Records was originally started by Dr. Dre and Marion Knight back in the 1990s. It was the label that launched Snoop Dogg’s career, with the rapper announcing he had acquired the label from global investment firm Blackstone earlier this year.

Although terms of the transaction weren’t disclosed, we like to imagine executives at Blackstone handed the record label over in exchange for a quarter pound of Snoop’s finest sticky icky icky (No stress, no seeds, no stems, no sticks.)