Ray J, of all people, has inspired us to plan Kim and Kanye's wedding with his very traditional offering of $47,000 worth of sex-tape money as a wedding gift for the happy couple. Thanks Ray J, we'll take it from here.

Ray J, of all people, has inspired us to plan Kim and Kanye's wedding. After we heard about his very traditional offering of $47,000 worth of sex-tape money as a wedding gift for the happy couple, we thought we'd take a cue from him and help out.

The sexually active rapper is offering his share of the sex tape money that he earned in the first quarter of 2014 to Kim to celebrate her nuptials. It's a gift so generous that it almost trumps his gift to us of being reminded that he had sex with Kim for the 2,375th time. We keep forgetting to TiVo that shit.  But should KimYe reject Ray J's benevolent bestowal, he has offered to donate the money to Kim's favorite charity instead … which we're guessing is Butt Unicef or this Twerk Island Kickstarter campaign. Thanks Ray J, we'll take it from here.

But before you start joy-crying and Googling "Who is Ray J?", check out what we're getting them first. Because no one, not even the brother of semi-legendary siren of mediocrity Brandy, knows how to give presents to celebrities we've never met like we do.

1. Sony Handycam, Waterproof Edition

Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em … "'em" being one of the hundreds of Kim Kardashian sex tapes that lurk in the internet's murkiest depths.

We think Kanye should contribute his to the pile, so we got the happy couple one of the highest rated hand-held videocameras that Besy Buy has to offer. The hand cam is waterproof, because it's 2014 and the hot tears of celebrities crying over Taylor Swift and failed marriages and should no longer dismantle a camera's ability to record lovemaking.

2. Northwest Airlines Memorabilia

In this moment of heated wedding passion between two celebrities with K-names, let's not forget little North West and her legacy of providing passengers low fares to many international destinations.

3. A Personal Stylist-Nun

There's no way Kim will be able to embarrass Kanye if her personal stylist is a nun. Her habit will match his belief that he is Jesus incarnate perfectly.

4. This, obviously

Paint me like one of your French girls, Kanye.

5. Wedding Vows

Kim and Kanye: now there's two people who don't have time to write their own vows! But you know who does? We do, if we neglect the rest of our daily responsibilities, vital bodily functions and intern human-rights violations! Let's see Ray J do that.

Kim, to Kanye

"Crying, crying, crying, the end."

Kanye, to Kim

"Yo, Kim, I'mma let you finish, but Beyonce had the best wedding vows of all time. Of all time.

First off, let me start by saying I would like to compliment you on your choice in husbands. I am Jesus Christ.

From the moment I laid eyes on you, boo, I forgot about croissants and got real hot in my leather jogging pants. I took one look at that situation on your backside and decided I wanted to probe the issue further. I want to be the Seth Rogen to your James Franco, the Ray J to your sextape, the reality to your TV, and the silicon to whatever anatomical structure pops into your head first. Forehead? Alright.

I want to be featured on your hit E! Network show, Keeping Up With The Kardashians, where I will appear to fit in amongst the estrogenic chaos of your household, according to the rules and obligations stated on my contract.

I want you to be in my video, girl, all naked or whatever, like you do. Can you show a little more butt in this shot? Can you show a lot more butt in that one? See what I mean? Our love is real, as real as our Illuminati hideout underneath DIA. 

I want you to teach me more about crying, because you're always Kim-krying, and I'm always Kanye-krying, what's that about?

I'm no professional athlete, but I am the #1 most impactful artist of our generation, according to a list I made. I am also #23.

So baby mama, I luh you and I can't wait to make you make me make you the happiest woman on the planet … 'cause I'm a motherfuckin' gay fish."