Tragedy struck the small town of Loganville, Georgia last week, when a drunk lady wasted a perfectly good cheeseburger after she tried to wear it as a sandal. A fucking sandal. There are starving children in Africa, and here's this bitch making burger shoes.
The lady was caught having sex with a man in a parked car outside of a Waffle House, aka neighborhood sex palace. A police officer reportedly saw them doing it as he drove by the restaurant (if you can call it that), and decided he'd ruin the fun. He interrupted their coitus, and ordered them to get out of the car. Upon doing so, the man complied by sloppily pulling up his pants, while the lady resisted. After several minutes of ordering her to get out of the car, she drunkenly slid out of it, searching for something to use as a shoe. Then, it happened. She stuck her stupid feet in a cheeseburger on a ground that we would have totally eaten if she didn't come along and ruin it. Here's what the astonished police officer wrote in the arrest report:
While the man immediately put his pants on and complied, the woman simply sat in the passenger's seat. The officer had to tell her numerous times to put her clothes on, the report says. But when the female finally got dressed, she attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as if it were a sandal.
The couple then became loud and argumentative, perhaps enthused by the beef patties that were now squishing between their toes, so they were ordered to take a breathalyzer test. They both failed; but the burger-ruining woman failed more. She blew a 0.216, proving that you really do have to be fucked up to put God's most precious gift to man, Waffle House burgers, anywhere near your feet. It's too bad they weren't at McDonald's…we hear their burgers have better arch support.