Thank god, help has finally arrived. Good Dog!

What do you do when your local FBI has exhausted its entire lineup of highly trained detectives and special task forces during a failed search for two prison escapees with huge dicks?

You call Dog. Dog the Bounty Hunter.

[Shredding guitar solo!]

Duane Chapman, otherwise known as TV's beloved and burly "Dog the Bounty Hunter," told Time Warner Cable News that because law enforcement has been failing miserably at finding, Richard Matt and David Sweat, the two escaped prisoners from New York, he's taking the search into his own hands. Dog said he got all serious about finding the convicted murderers once the Marshal Services landed them on their top 15 most wanted list. Looks like you can teach an old dog new tricks, ha ha haaa.

"People expect me to do something," he said. "Do you know what I mean?"


Allegedly, Matt and Sweat escaped from Dannemora Prison after Joyce Mitchell, a worker in the tailor shop, smuggled tools they could escape with inside the prison. On June 6, the two men used hacksaw blades, chisels a punch and a screwdriver Mitchell had hidden in frozen hamburger meat to bust out, and ever since, they've been on the loose. There's rumored to be some sort of crazy sexual undertones to the story; Mitchell reportedky had sexual relations with both men, and had been promised more sexytimes by the murderers if she helped them escape. Personally, we're hoping Dog bounty hunts the shit out of that side of the story because hot hot hot.

The expensive manhunt for Matt and Sweat has since covered more than 300 miles and involved nearly 1,000 officers from multiple law enforcement agencies, and is now in its third week.

Dog said his team has been receiving two tips per hour, but is exercising caution.

"You can't go up there and jump in the cops' crime scene or go through the cabin and look for stuff," he said majestically. "You've got to be very, very careful not to step on anybody's toes."

"These guys are so dangerous that the cops are not hunting them at night," he continued. 

Both escapees are considered extremely dangerous. Sweat was serving a life sentence for shooting a sheriff's deputy 15 times in 2002. Matt was in prison for the kidnapping, murder and dismemberment of a man who had fired him from his job at a food warehouse. But Dog ain't afraid of no night. Dog ain't afraid of no killer. Dog is the night. Dog is the killer. Dog is Dog and Dog is good.

However, Dog exercised an endearing moment of humility when he said the real value of any bounty hunter is the strength of his network.

"We've got people staked out at a lot of the relatives that they have," he said. "We have a tremendous social network that is out looking also."

So far, law enforcement has found DNA from the escapees in an upstate New York cabin, so that should be more than enough to get Dog's tail wagging. Another mistake like that by Matt and Sweat … and Dog just might have his day.

You can run but you can't hide, big dicked murderers! We hope you're looking to adopt a new friend into your family of sin, because Dog's comin' for ya!