Finally, a woman who understands us. One who will stand up to defend the eardrums of America. One who's willing to "Take It To The Limit," if you will.

Charleston heroine Vernett Bader was arrested Monday night after she stabbed her roommate for refusing to stop listening to The Eagles. According to the police report, Vernett's roommate (who is also her ex) was rocking out the aggravating sounds of the classic rock band when she told him to stop. Which sounds like a caring, protective gesture to us; inner-ear damage from "Hotel California" can mess you up.

Her roommate, told her to "shut up," obviously under the influence of some dangerous, mind altering soft rock. That's when Vernett snapped. If he had only been more polite and told her to "Take It Easy."  She had, after all, heard "Desperado" about ten times too many, which understandably sent her into an uncontrollable fury. She headed to the kitchen to choose her weapon.

She scanned the room. Should she stab him with scissors? No. Scissors were too crafty. Fireplace poker? Too heavy. Then a gleam from the kitchen caught her eye. A menacing bread knife called to her from the silverware drawer. Perfect. Dull enough to make him suffer.

Then Vernett did it. She stabbed him, all over his hands and forearms. Sort of lightly, because he was fine. All the while, "Tequila Sunrise" tormented her mind. The roommate wrestled the knife from her hands, but Vernett wasn't finished. She went back to the kitchen for another one, and proceeded to attack him again. There were no "peaceful, easy feelings" to be had that night. The Eagles are a really bad band.

After her arrest, Vernett gave a statement saying that she had attacked her roommate because he had been choking her. But, investigators found no choke marks on her neck, and deemed that she had to be some sort of "Witchy Woman." She was charged with criminal domestic violence.

Curse you, The Eagles. A man would have a lot less superficial stab wounds right now if it weren't for you. Your band name is unoriginal.