Bielieb it or not, pubescent midget Justin Bieber has some big news that's sure to devastate exactly zero people over the age of 12.
After a long and arduous four year career, little man Justin Bieber has announced that he will be retiring from the music industry.
Presumably so he can spend more time having sex with South American prostitutes.
While others usually wait until they've at least finished puberty to retire from their careers, Justin Bieber just doesn't have that kind of endurance. Just ask that South American prostitute!
He broke the news on Power 106, a Los Angeles hip-hop station, that his upcoming album "Journals," would be his last. "Journals" drops on December 23rd, which means we only have five more days to deal with his stupid squirrley face and then we can get on with our lives.
It's unclear at this time whether his "retirement" announcement is bullshit or not. We mean, why wouldn't the world's most famous human being need to pull a publicity stunt right before the release of his new album? It's not like Beyonce just released an album that he has to compete with or his managers will put him in the worst time out of his life. Oh, wait…
Well, here's how we see it. If there is a god, Justin Bieber's retirement is a glorious reality. But he can't just sit around and do prostitutes all day. He'll have to find some kind of job or hobby. That's why we put together this list of possible post retirement careers for the tiny pipsqueak.
1. Professional squirrel, because he has chubby little squirrel cheeks and who knows what he could store in there.
2. Doormat, so we can walk all over him like he did to his career.
3. Facial transplant donor, because someone else could really make better use of it.
4. One of the ferns on Between Two Ferns, because that was really his best performance, and our moms said you should stick with what you're good at.
5. Poster child for the anti-mustache front. Have you seen that thing?